This week in dating…has been nuts.
Or maybe this is all just standard fare. To be completely honest, it’s now been so long since I’ve done all this dating business that I’m not entirely sure I have the clear perspective I used to. I used to be so absolutely confident that I knew what I was doing but maybe I’m the dummy in these scenarios?
Admittedly, I know for sure the first one is my fault.
We matched on Facebook Dating (what can I say, I am literally on every app). The irony is that I’d matched with this guy before but every time he’d messaged me on other apps, it was always boringly inarticulate and (if memory serves) occasionally offensive. Think—dtf? type shit.
But this time was different.
He was typing out full sentences and asking questions. Brilliant questions? no, not exactly (which tells you how goddamn low the bar is but that’s for another essay). But he was being pleasant, and moderately curious, and at the very least kept the conversation going and we quickly moved to texting. And then he asked me out, and honestly I was up for it. Or, I was…
I was up for it when he asked me out (sure). I was up for it when he suggested dinner (yeah, sounds good). I was up for it when he asked what kind of food I liked (sushi, I said, do you like sushi?).
But then he wanted me to choose the place. And no, making me choose the place isn’t always a dealbreaker, but at some point I’m just so tired of handholding every interaction with men, ya know? I mean christ! you asked me out, you don’t even have a place in mind? And one could make the argument that maybe they’re just letting me choose the place so that I’m comfortable but I don’t think that’s it and if that was it, simply say that.
And it seems a tad dramatic to not go out with someone just because they let/make you choose the place, but it’s more than that. Because it’s the lull that happens when he asks me where I want to go and I go silent that allows room for all the doubt.
First, I confirm with my immunocompromised roomies that they’re comfortable with me finally being able to date again. (big mistake! lol we had previously discussed this but in this ONE moment they backtracked and said they weren’t sure).
Second, I had time to think about this man who’d asked me out (big mistake!). The truth is, during our convo, I’d discovered that his parents visit him from India during the summer, so in the summer months (read: now) he doesn’t live alone and since I don’t live alone…we’re fucked (or not fucking, as it were). The more I thought about this, the more it became apparent to me that I wasn’t really that interested in meeting him. Sure, he was tall and ripped, and someone I could have fun with while he eats my pussy, but I knew it’d never be anything more than just…nice. Like, he seemed nice and I realized I wasn’t interested enough. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: niceness/kindness is a basic human quality and not a reason to date someone.
Though even as I type this, I wonder if he would’ve been/couldn’ve been more interesting in person. But honestly, how many people actually end up being that much more interesting in person? And even if he had been more interesting, what were we going to do—make-out in the car for the next three months? GTFO amirite?!
Not wanting to waste his time—I quickly texted to say that while I had thought I was ready to start dating in our post-covid (still covid?) world, that I was not in fact ready. And then I apologized and said I hoped I hadn’t wasted too much of his time.
I spent the next week really thinking about the whole situation. The truth is, if I want to, I could get along with pretty much anyone. But I don’t want to! I want to go on dates with men who make me laugh and thrill me not just polite dates where we get along (because honestly what kind of monsters can’t just get along). I may not want commitment in terms of exclusivity but I definitely want a man who has committed himself to being awesome. By the end of the week, I was absolutely certain it wasn’t just covid-anxiety because I was ready to date, I just didn’t want to bother with someone who couldn’t take enough charge to pick a restaurant (or good enough communication skills to convey why they wanted me to pick the place).
That said, maybe I had been on the apps too long without a good break (especially because I’ve basically been on them since covid and hadn’t met anyone because of covid). I’ll admit, I’ve also been oscillating between whether to keep my approach orgasm based (meaning I have my bio’s all reading that I’m looking for men who like to lick pussy without expecting anything in return) or should I switch back to dating. I figured I’d better figure that out before I do anything else. So, I deleted all my profiles on all the apps and took the month of August off.
However, anyone who really knows me knows that just because I’m off the apps doesn’t mean I won’t get up to at least a little trouble…so stay tuned because the next newsletter is going to be a real kicker.