The Perfect "No"
Sexual liberation doesn’t happen overnight. You don’t develop self-esteem in one sitting. We aren’t made for perfection.
The first time I fuck someone before I really want to, I don’t recognize it for what it is right away. You can think and think and think and still not have any answers. Over time, though, if you keep at it, it’ll come to you. But it doesn’t happen overnight. You don’t become the woman you were meant to be from the beginning. Unless you’re lucky, and I’m not sure I’ve ever met someone that was lucky.
It took me a long time to understand that I had a scarcity mentality. Because I was a fat woman (and not fat in that socially acceptable coke bottle body acceptability way), because I was a regular apron belly fat woman, I was always worried that I’d reach my limit of possible dates. There would come a time when Vancouver would simply run out of men interested in me, and so I had to ignore the red flags (at least partially) and I had to convince myself I wanted them more than I did (amping them up in my mind in ways they themselves would never be capable of delivering on). Every man I’d ever given a handjob to instead of fucking, every man I’d ever fucked instead of just leaving, every man I hadn’t murdered after fucking me and not making me cum—those men all remained in my life (and between my thighs) longer than they deserved because of scarcity.