Rip the Bandaid: Dating and Rejection in the Modern Age
When and how to reject someone you're dating and why you'll both survive it
Rejection is a part of life and rejection in dating is no different, but it really doesn’t have to be scary or even awkward and it definitely shouldn’t be a reason you avoid dating. Rejection is a universal experience—everyone has felt it, everyone has doled it out. The key is to accept it, learn from it (if need be), and move on.
That being said, I’m regularly shocked by how many differing opinions there are about how and when you should reject someone. Now, of course it’s possible that I’m wrong (I’m not), and it’s possible that there is more than one right answer (there isn’t), and it’s also possible that each dating scenario is so unique and individualized that blah blah blah (they are not). The truth is, with a little common sense, integrity, and not shitty-personess, anyone can figure out the right answer for their particular dating dilemma.
However, in case you’re relatively new to dating or have just lost your dating compass and can no longer see which way is north, I’ve made a list of some of the most common dating cease-fire situations and how to proceed should you find yourself in one of them (and how to react appropriately if you’re the one getting...fired).
1. The initial online dating message.
Now this may be one of the few situations where both sides make good arguments.
If I get a message on the apps, and I’m not interested, I simply don’t respond and usually un-match. Most messages that I’m ignoring are absolutely ridiculous and/or took no effort to write and thus don’t deserve my time to compose a thoughtful and gentle rejection.
On the other hand, I have heard from a few guys that they would rather get a rejection message because it makes it so they remember the girl and thus don't bother her again. Except, it’s not a woman’s job to make sure remember her, and honestly I think a rejection before a connection has even been formed is just weird and a waste of everyone’s time (the only exception being when I school men on whatever bullshit they’ve sent me and then that’s an excellent use of my time both because I’m obviously changing the world for the better and you all will likely get some entertainment out of it).
So on apps like tinder, bumble, etc. where you can only contact matches, I’ll just un-match if I’m uninterested, and on sites like plenty of fish, I’ll block anyone I’m not interested in after the first message because damn those fuckers do not find me memorable and will message again and again and again...and again.
But honestly, I don't think rejection is required here. There is no relationship, there is no effort owed, if he or she doesn't respond, move the fuck on. This is the least of your dating woes to worry about.
Do not be one of those people who sends follow up messages that get progressively more aggressive and end up basically begging for a rejection as closure...from a fucking stranger. Just don’t. It’s not rude that they didn’t respond and the only person wasting their time is you, chasing after someone who isn't interested in you online. Your time would be better spent crafting an interesting message to the next person who is better suited for you. Take it all in stride, my friend.
2. The online dating message disappearing act.
So you’ve been messaging back and forth and everything seems great when suddenly the messages stop. What is one to think? I will tell you what one is to think—nothing. You have two options, put them in a box until they resurface, or just move on.
There are a billion reasons why someone might stop talking to you online even though, I know I know, you had such a great connection. It’s frustrating and it’s disappointing and you just want to know are they busy? (unlikely) is it something I did? (maybe, maybe not). You’ll probably never get a chance to find out and that’s okay. Maybe they got more serious with someone they were dating and stopped checking their tinder. Maybe you put up new photos and they didn’t like them. Maybe they are just experiencing burnout. Maybe they just started a new job, or are moving, or began a love affair with a jar of peanut butter and their dog. Maybe they’re dead. You'll likely never know, and while I love having answers, I can't in good conscience advocate that someone spill the details of their life in explanation to a relative stranger on the internet. Nor do I think that any answer the other person could give would really make you feel better. There are more important things to be doing in life than dissecting why a stranger stopped resonding to you. This is another no rejection required scenario. Case closed. Move on.
3. The first date.
Whether or not a rejection is required after a first date is based upon two things: whether or not you want to see the other person again and whether or not you’re the one asking to do so.
If the date obviously sucked for all parties involved (even the waitress noticed), I don’t think any rejection is necessary. Both of you can just carry on your merry ways (counting your blessings that you survived your horrendous date).
If the other person texts you (or however you’re communicating) asking to go out again, and you don’t want to, then a rejection is necessary. Not responding to their message would be shitty, and you’re not shitty, so just tell them the truth. Be honest, be straightforward, avoid being brutal if possible, but always err on the side of clarity and brevity—thanks for the date but I don’t think we’re a match, thanks for the other night but I don’t want to pursue this further, etc.
If you text the other person to ask them out and they’re not interested, I hope they show you the same courtesy but if they simply don’t respond, do not bother texting them again. Do not reach out for answers you’ll never get. Or do, I mean a lot of this advice is based on how much time you have to waste and what your frustration metre is (and how willing you are to be embarrassing), but if you’re short on time, frustration, and shame—silence IS your answer.
4. Anywhere between two to eight dates.
If you’ve gone out with someone two or more times, and you don’t want to see them again, you owe them a rejection. That said, how serious and thorough your rejection is will be up to you and based off your time together. I once read a post on Facebook where a woman had asked if she needed to call someone to reject them after 4 dates and I shit you not, SEVERAL women responded that yes it was mandatory. But I’ll tell you this, I’ve been rejected by hundreds (okay maybe more like a handful) of men and if any of those men had rejected me over the phone instead of via text I would’ve hated them forever. The utter shame of being dumped sucks enough without having to hear the heavy breathing of the Neanderthal with bad taste rejecting you on the line. Rejection via text gives you the space and privacy to collect your thoughts and the get out of jail free of not accidentally saying something impulsive that you’ll regret. Plus, while some people seem to fall in love after the first date, I would be incredibly uncomfortable about the level of vulnerability being demanded of me during a dump-call. Give me the courtesy of a text message rejection, I say.
The thing about rejection is that it’s actually not that bad, regardless of what side you’re on. Now, I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt or isn’t embarrassing or doesn’t involve some feelings of awkwardness or disappointment, but I am saying that both of you will get over it and probably faster than you’d expect.
Life is full of rejection, but what often gets people in trouble (and leads to rage and resentment) is the feeling that you should’ve received (or given) the rejection earlier, so with that in mind, when it comes to rejection—rip the bandaid. Do it quickly, do it clearly, and for the love of god keep it brief. The other person (or you) will absolutely get over it, I promise. Don’t avoid rejecting someone because you’re hoping they’ll just “get the message” from ghosting. Ghosting someone makes you a real piece of shit, and while you don’t have to yell rejections at everyone who even smiles in your direction, if you’ve gone out with them (as laid out above), they deserve the truth—don’t send mixed messages, don't tell them nonsense about your emotional state or give them hope for a future that isn't there. Tell them the truth and spit it the fuck out already (they probably have things to do and you're just standing in their way).
And if you’re on the receiving end of a rejection, know that it’s okay to feel hurt and disappointed—that’s a part of life. It's even okay to moan about it to your friends and throw a hissy fit in the privacy of your own home. What you want to do is respond politely and rationally and keep the crazy to yourself because the truth is the hurt and anger will fade and you never know if that person will have taught you something or will have another role in your life. Don't burn your bridges like a lunatic (read: entitled white man), give yourself a break, wallow just a little, eat some ice cream and move past it.