On Hoarding Clothes: Fatphobia and Limited Access in Plus Size Fashion
No longer will I keep clothes in the hopes of losing weight to fit into them
When I was twelve, the only plus size clothes available were on the racks at the back of the women’s section at big department stores like The Hudson’s Bay and Sears. I used to have to show ID to get my tax free youth status since I looked like a thirty year old (because of my genes, or my body, or just the fact that I was forever dressed like a thirty year old woman I’ll never quite know).
When I was nineteen or twenty, Addition-elle started carrying clothes that young people would want to wear. At least, partially. The clothes would never be exactly like the clothes my thin friends would get to wear at the club, but at least now, finally, I could find a shirt every so often that would showcase my tits or that was covered in sequins instead of the usual beige florals. I remember driving to Surrey at least once a week to see if anything new had dropped that I could wear out to the club that weekend. I often left disappointed but it was a drastic change from the matronly shirts of my youth.
A few years later, when I was twenty two-ish, Baby Phat entered the zeitgeist and though I’m not sure if they always carried plus sizes, they had started carrying them then. Not in stores in Canada. But every time I’d be in an American city (Atlanta, Las Vegas, Seattle), I’d scour the racks at Macy’s and Dillard’s looking for the precious treasure. Sometimes the clothing would fit immediately, but more often than not I was an adult plus size 3X trying to fit into a junior plus size 3X. Something I’d devastatingly learn wasn’t the same. Soon, Baby Phat wasn’t the only cool brand carrying plus size clothing—Apple Bottoms (Nelly’s fashion line), Dereon (Beyonce’s fashion line) and Rocawear (Jay-Z’s line) all began carrying plus sizes too.
Depending on where I was in my weight cycling, things would either fit perfectly or be folded up in plastic bins stored until I’d fit the clothes once again. Even when I fell well outside of a junior’s 3X, I would buy and hoard the clothing I liked. Shopping online wasn’t like it is today, and as a fat girl in Canada, my options were undeniably limited. So if I was on a trip to Atlanta, even if I was too fat to fit in any of the clothes, I’d find myself with an arm full of them at the register (telling myself that I’d fit these clothes one day).
Desperation is a manipulative emotion. It’ll change the very way you process logic.
I’m forty one now. Sometimes I still catch myself losing my mind and spending money (I don’t have) on clothing (I don’t need) because I simply didn’t have access to it for so fucking long. Now, I have Shein (which is the devil) but also has almost never shown up as a 4X and not been a 4X (I mean—it still happens, but not like back in the day of my juniors vs adult plus size blinders). Now, I have Torrid (which charges an astronomical amount for clothing that hits the mark MAYBE half the time). Honestly, Torrid could have been such an insane powerhouse with better creative direction (I don’t want a shirt with skulls on it Debra, I’m a fucking adult!)
All of this because even more bonkers when you find it that I probably wear about 6 items of clothing from my closet on a regular basis. Seriously, I have three shirts I wear (two of which were hand-me-downs from my mother), and all of which have literal fucking holes in them from wear. I have closets and bins FULL of clothes but I wear the same three shirts (because I’m a comfort-baby) so often that they’re literally falling apart. In the summer, I wear my three shirts with black spandex bike shorts. They’re comfortable AF and I don’t have to worry about chub rub or chaffing or anything. In the winter, I wear sweatpants and sweatshirts over my three shirts. Sometimes I worry that jogging pants mean I’ve given up (or that people will think I’ve given up) but that’s really just anti-fatness rearing its ugly head.
Now, at forty-one, when money is tighter than one of those little clear hair elastics, I am selling the majority of my clothing. I am letting go of my hoards. I’d like to think it’s because I’m finally levelling up and completing the final level of fatphobia by getting rid of all my “if I lose weight” clothes. Which I think it absolutely is, but that’s not all it is. It’s also because, while clothing inclusivity is still not where it needs to be, as a mid-fat 4X, I no longer feel a compulsion to hoard beautiful clothing that is at least close to my size because I know that should I need something, it’s most likely out there. I may need to order it online, and I may need to order more than one size and then return the ones I don’t like, but on the whole I will be able to find what I need.
The same cannot be said for superfat and infinifat babes and for that I desperately urge clothing companies to be more inclusive (and not just with basics). Being able to buy bright and multi-coloured clothing has been one of the greatest joys of my life. And even that is a luxury beyond being able to simply clothe yourself in things that fit and aren’t uncomfortable and look wonderful on your deserving body.
With that said, I’m letting it all go. Full disclosure: I just bought 3 new shirts (on sale, thank god!) so that I’m no longer wearing shirts with holes in them (in public lol they’re now my sleeping shirts). All the pretty dresses I’ve loved, all the things that were so beautiful I just had to have even if they didn’t fit, EVERYTHING MUST GO.
The one real upside to all of this for shoppers is that most of the items I’m selling, while not NWT because um I cut those suckers off years ago, are NWOT (new without tags) and thus have never actually been worn. It’s basically a vintage capsule collection from the aughts and the 2010s (what are those called)? Anyway, feel free to peruse my poshmark for all the items I’m selling and/or let this post inspire you to let go of all the things in your closet that don’t fit (regardless of when they did or might again) and to stop buying anything that doesn’t feel perfect the moment it’s on you.
As always, Love ya’ll!
Poshmark: Victoria Nachos’ Closet