In Defence of the Female Loser
Where is the nuance when it comes to depictions of women in the media
Is there a female version of Failure to Launch (both the general concept and the classic Sarah Jessica Parker/Mathew McConaughey movie)?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.
I’ve always been fascinated with my (yes, I’m self-centred) lack of representation in media. It’s why I flock to media about fat adult women (and why I’m forever disappointed by their lack of realism—or perhaps more accurately, their lack of my-reflection).
I don’t want the trope of a fat woman, I want nuanced and realistic stories about fat women. I want to see stories of myself in media, I guess. I think it’d be nice to know I wasn’t the only woman in the whole world living the life I do. I’ve always believed none of us are that unique (it’s why I lose my mind every time a reality star talks about how hard it is for them to be vulnerable as if that wasn’t a universal human experience). I just need someone else to tell me that in this one thing—being a loser—I’m not alone.
NOTE: Please note I use this term loser with love. I don’t think I’m a loser nor you, should we be living similarly. Maybe I’m reclaiming loser the same way I’ve reclaimed fat for myself. I’m not sure. But either way, please read it with love and simply to mean a person who is living something other than the cookie-cutter life of everyone they know.
I want stories about fat women where the story doesn’t focus on their fatness. We can talk about their fatness and their woman-ness, but I want the story to be about much more than that. I want them to have jobs (successful or not) and relationships; I want them to have sexual satisafaction and life dilemmas, I want them to be loved and happy. I don’t want to hear about their low self-esteem or hear them use their body as a scapegoat for whatever real issue their having.
That’s what I’ve always been looking for and while it’s gotten closer in recent years (see: Aidy Bryant in Lindy West’s Shrill), I find myself now looking for even more specific representations of myself and women like me.
One such representation that I’m hungriest for is that of the female loser. Loser is likely too harsh of a word (it’s certainly not one I’d use to actually describe this type of women—this type of woman being me), but I think it’s a good starting point.
When I say a female loser, I do not mean that I want a female depiction of The Whale (which I’m consciously choosing not to watch though I have read many critiques and notes on the film). I’d discourage you from watching it as well, but that’s your decision.
When I say I want depictions of women losers, what I mean is that I want depictions of women like myself, women who have let go of success for happiness.
I want to see a movie about a woman who is a somewhat talented (but definitely not genius level) writer who’s had some success but not enough to support herself so she lives at home with her parents even though she has a master’s degree and could probably be the CEO of some bullshit-corporation if that’s what she wanted for her life but she’d rather be poor and happy, if we’re being honest.
I want to see a tv show about a female stoner who’s happy with good enough. She’s lucky to have the resources she has and she knows it.
I want to read a book about a fat woman who likes to cum and go on solo adventures but also can’t afford her own cellphone bill. She’s fat and she’s a good person and she has personal struggles and issues but almost none of them are because she’s fat (and any that are, are a reflection of a fat phobic world and not self-hate).
I want to watch a movie about a woman who’s kind of a loser in the financial sense but who’s smart and fun and funny and fat (and we can talk about her fatness but her fatness doesn’t make her miserable).
I want to see some fucking nuance in the media.
To be honest, I’d even be happy just to meet some other women, scratch that because I’d be happy honestly just to know that they exist, who are like me.
I can’t honestly be the only highly educated and capable woman loser, can I?
I can’t really be the only woman who’s forty one years old and moved back in with her parents but also isn’t this like sad cat-lady trope who lets people treat her poorly or whatever, can I?
Where are all the stories about women with real-life nuance?
And while we’re at it, where are all the stories about happy women? I’m all for women being represented in media but, for the love of god, we do not need another movie or tv show about a woman making herself smaller, a woman with an eating disorder (unless she’s fat), a woman in an abusive relationship (unless you plan to show the whole ramp up to help us understand why the fuck this keeps happening), or a woman desperate for a man.
The more I think about the Bechtel test, the more I’m irritated by it’s limitations (though understand the purpose it serves). To be totally honest, I love a movie about a woman in the throes of sex and dating—what I’d like to see though, is that woman enjoying herself, that woman being realistic about the dates and the men, the woman having a full life. The problem isn’t women talking about and enjoying the company of men, the problem is being a doormat and a fool; the problem is how weak we’re always being portrayed.
And hey, I get it, superhero movies make money and rom coms have a formula for success, but damn I’d love to just know that there are other people other there who have chosen not to be in the rat-race and have chosen a good enough life for themselves. I want to hear about women who don’t want children, who’ve never wanted children, and don’t want nor need a lifelong relationship, who want to travel or just relax. I want to hear about women who didn’t marry the incompatible guy and live the standard life.
We don’t need more of the same.
The irony of all this is that I’m a writer, so I guess that goes at the top of the to-do list.
TO DO: Write your representation into existence. Write a story (many stories!) about female losers, and do us proud.