JP and I met through Blackplanet when I was twenty-one and he was nineteen. God, we were young and stupid. We used to fuck in the backseat of my car, down deserted lanes and poorly lit backroads. Both living with our parents, we lacked life experience and the space to fuck in privacy. Though I’m not sure how much privacy would’ve even made much of a difference back then. We fucked maybe twenty times, and I never once came. He’d bust after a few thrusts. We barely even took off our clothes.
This was back when I was still drinking and fucked men for validation. Their desire meant that I was desirable and even though I wasn’t getting orgasms, sex with men was making up for all the times I hadn’t felt attractive. JP was hot and fucking him meant that I too had to be hot. My logic about this was flawless (what can I say I was blitzed!). The truth is that I was fucking JP because he made me feel hot and wanted and because I was still drinking (and making terrible decisions) and because I was bored. I was fucking JP because the kissing was enjoyable, and he always came quickly so the making out was most of the sexual encounter anyways. I’m pretty sure I’d yet to actually cum from anything other than masturbation at this point in my life but if I had, it certainly wasn’t a regular occurrence.
So, while I’ve always known it was unfair that I wasn’t cumming during sexual encounters, I didn’t yet know the whole extent of it. I didn’t yet know why I wasn’t demanding it (but I am certain that the quietness of my voice was absolutely based in internalized fatphobia). When I was twenty one sharing stories with girlfriends the next morning, we didn’t ask if you came from a hookup. We didn’t even think to ask, it was such a forgone conclusion that you didn’t. I do remember that I used to tell men that I wouldn’t suck their dicks during a casual encounter, claiming something like, “that’s just for boyfriends.” I doubt I had it so solidly figured out back then, but I knew that men were never going down during casual sex so why the fuck should I? They were lucky I even let them fuck and that was purely the fault of beauty culture and fatphobia and our fucked up patriarchal society that devalues the female orgasm and makes sure little girls don’t have enough confidence and certainty in themselves until at least their thirties (if not later). And like I said, because I was drinking. We stopped fucking when I met the (once thought to be) love of my life. It’d be a few more years before I’d stop drinking (what can I say, all bad habits rarely end at once).
Ten years later, when I was studying for the GRE and finishing up my second BA in preparation for going to grad school, JP and I matched on Tinder. I invited him over to my dorm room (think apartment building with all college kids not those single rooms with twin size beds and communal bathrooms). We got down to business pretty quickly because I was busy with school and exam prep (and it’s not like he had much to say). It felt like a lifetime had gone by since we’d last hooked up, two nearly-still-teenagers in the backseat of a car. That night in my on-campus apartment, he showed up to fuck without bringing any condoms. It would seem that while I had developed in the last decade, he was still young, dumb, and full of cum.
Luckily, I had some novelty condoms I had special ordered for my birthday loot bags. I don’t even remember what they said but I remember thinking they were hilarious at the time. JP was able to get the condom on, but it was clearly too tight (which only bothered me to the extent that I worried it would break). It was weird to fuck on a bed. It was weird to fuck someone who I’d fucked dozens of times before but who’d never seen me completely naked. Perhaps the weirdest of all the new things I was experiencing that night was that, long before JP had even arrived, I’d prepared to have my vibrator handy. With nearly a decade and a half of mostly unsatisfactory sex under my belt, this night with JP was destined to have a much greater purpose. I was going to fuck JP and get mine; I was going to have casual sex and use a vibrator and I was going to cum.