cool story bro.
I used to think that if I could just figure men out, my dating life would take off like a rocket. But that’s because I’m under the delusion that (most) men are reasonable people who at a bare minimum act in favour of their own self-interest. I know this to be a delusion because I’ve had (what has felt like) thousands of first messages on the apps and let me tell you there are very few aberrations. Probably the most common chat starter is a compliment.
I hate the first message compliment (but please allow me to explain).
So often though, it’s not really a compliment. (Don’t make me get out the dictionary, David!). I’m of the opinion that a compliment is only as strong as its value to the recipient. It’s all well and fine, I guess, to tell a woman you think she’s beautiful but how that compliment lands is highly related to how much she actually values beauty or your opinion on it. So, for someone like me who has dated a hundred (or like thirty maybe) men, I don’t much value an initial compliment.
And maybe it’s because I’ve encountered so many men who turned nasty upon rejection. Suddenly my beauty is repulsive and that’s how I’ve so easily learned the lesson that compliments from a man you don’t know are worthless. And not just in the sense that they are without value to me because I don’t much care about beauty but because men’s words lack the worth of being a truth. A man will call you beautiful and a bitch in the same message box. So what good is the beauty if it doesn’t protect you? If you can’t trust it not to waver?
And that’s just the first issue.
The next problem is that a compliment does nothing DOES NOTHING!! to advance the conversation. If a man complimented me and then asked something, I’m not bothered. I’m not throwing him a parade or anything but it’s by no means a problem. The problem is the lone compliment—thrown out into the ether like a soulless cast of a fishing rod by men who have never once thought…actually see that’s the thing. My gawd would I love to know what they think. I would even just love to know that they had, in fact, had even one singular thought about anything.
But I’ve asked them before and am yet to hear any response that even half explains how they became the gender known for intelligence and reason. A man sends a compliment because “it’s just a compliment,” which comes nowhere near to answering what I’d asked. A man sends a compliment because it’s true and like, fair *tucks hair behind ear* obviously I’m a beaut. But still, I’m a beaut without a clue as to what the fuck they’re doing.
I used to think that if I could just figure out why men behave the way they behave, then I could like solve world hunger or at least stop my clit from being so damn thirsty. But I think, and I hate to say it (I really hate to say it), I think dating apps are dead because men simply don’t have enough thoughts about how they behave on them to even come close to making it worth it for women to bother with them (them being both the apps and the men on them).
I think—and you heard it here fifth—dating apps are dead.
Capitalism ruined them, mostly.
Well, I mean, capitalism ruined them completely but I don’t think that capitalism and the dating app business model is solely responsible for their demise.
There was once a time when dating apps (the swipey kind) were fucking phenomenal. The theory I’ve read about most is that people are simply overloaded with choices on the apps and thus there’s no reason to put in even an ounce of effort because as easy you can say next, you can unmatch (or even just stop responding) and move onto the next. But I’ve always had a bit of a problem with this explanation because it suggests that men (like a majority of them) have the ability to be wise and interesting and intelligent and aware—but as is evidenced by *gestures at every message I’ve ever received from men* if that were true there would be more gems mixed in with the rubble.
My personal theory is that because the world (read: patriarchy) has so egregiously and successfully beaten women into varying levels of submission (hating our bodies, scarcity mindset, lies about orgasms, slut-shaming while also ignoring our pleasure, giving women value only through partnership, and just generally undervaluing us as humans always and even sex objects sometimes, etc.) that take most of us until at least our 40s to really get a handle on things, that women spend our twenties and thirties fucking men who don’t deserve it, dating men who aren’t worthy, and just generally settling for whatever bullshit we feel we have to—men don’t realize how little they have to offer. Which is why those same men usually end up with someone in their twenties (while they themselves are in their forties), because no woman in her forties wants a man who never learned any dating skills. A man who can’t even ask you something about yourself? No woman in her forties is going to fuck that guy. She’s fucked enough (disappointing) guys. But a woman in her twenties who hasn’t solidified herself yet, that precious little angel is ripe for an easy compliment.
Anyway, it’s just a theory. Feel free to share yours (especially if you’re a man who understands these fellas). I’m open to having my mind changed or being convinced of some other reason. Anything to explain the madness! lol. Which btw because even more maddening when a man doubles down without a clue he’s even made one misstep let alone a hundred.
This last one I’m just throwing in because it’s funny to me. Funny like *sound of bomb exploding followed by screaming* not funny like haha. For a little while, my bio said something about looking for men who’ve been in therapy. It was some naive hope that maybe a man who’d had some therapy would at least be self-reflective. I don’t know though, I’m starting to wonder if maybe the problem is me because I never responded to Alejandro. He’s attractive enough (this being his worst photo I think, if you’re doubting me). And look, I get that English is probably his second language giving his name, but given that communication on the apps is written, at what point am I allowed to think hmm honestly I just don’t think this guy is smart enough for me. That said, I absolutely want a sweatshirt that says:
I done therapy
I love your plump body
I’m Alejandro
Reading your posts has emboldened me to push back more on the ridiculousness and audacity and just plain low effort these men display.
And, I always get a laugh and feel less alone as well.