Masturbation is at the root of all sexual exploration and satisfaction. I firmly believe this to be true. Knowing your body and self is how you achieve self pleasure and self-pleasure is self-love and you deserve that shit.
I have always been a masturbator. For as long as I can remember, I have been masturbating and having orgasms (long before I knew what either the word or concept meant). I think the sensation first started by doing something Kegels-esque (best guess I discovered the sensation while trying to hold me pee but whatever it was I learned it before I really started being able to form memories so your guess is as good as mine). Whatever the situation, I learned just to clench and unclench my vagina and began exploring from there. Am I the only one who did that? Do I just have a big clit or something? I have to admit, I very much feel like I have big clit energy so that would make absolutely sense but genetically speaking I think I’m pretty average. Lol. Anyway!
I used to do it in the living room watching Mr. Dressup until my mom told me that that was a private activity to do in my bedroom. To be clear, I wasn’t turned on by Mr. Dressup (or his crafts though I did love to watch that man construct). My early masturbation was about sensation. Outside of the Kegel-type squeezes, my only real memory of masturbating was placing my hand against my vulva (outside of my pants) and squeezing my thighs together as I lay curled up on my side, and I remember telling my mom that it made me feel warm. Shoutout to mom for not shaming me! I was probably four or five at the time.
As a teen, I used to masturbate before falling asleep. I would create elaborate fantasies in my mind and run through them until I was turned on enough for a quick rub rub, squeeze squeeze and then I was off to sleep. This is probably why I still find the idea of insertion over clitoral stimulation extremely alien. I mean, do whatever feels best to you girl but if you’ve ever watched porn and felt the masturbation/self-stimulation techniques they use don’t match with your experience, you are not alone. Worth noting, this is also because porn is a visual (and sometimes audio) medium prioritizing the viewer’s pleasure over the performer—it’s not about what feels best to them but what looks best to us.
I tell this history of my masturbation because I think it sets up realistic expectations for orgasms. Even I, as someone who masturbated with physical ease in my early youth, have to work to cum. I like a lot of pressure and absolutely need to be i the right headspace. Sometimes there’s a lot of work and sometimes there’s very little but regardless of where you fall on the spectrum (throughout your whole life or even in the given moment of trying to bust a nut), I think it’s important to remember this. Cumming ain’t easy, baby! (but it is important).
In my youth, getting turned on took a lot of work (there were times I’d have to tell the story over again and again to myself, from the top). Sometimes I’d be too tired, and sometimes I would get bored and just stop because I wasn’t able to get turned on enough to cum. Then came porn and vibrators. Things were easier but getting turned on was still an integral part of the process, which meant that cumming was never guaranteed.
When I met a friend in my late thirties who told me she’d never had an orgasm, I could hardly believe it. Not cumming with a partner, I could believe. EASILY. Not cumming from penetration, without a doubt, pretty standard even. But never having had an orgasm at all was so foreign, it took me a while to fix my lower jaw which was practically on the floor.
Perhaps more shocking to me than having never had had an orgasm was how resigned she seemed to the idea that it would never happen for her. She’d told me that she’d tried but usually got bored (to which I could both relate and not relate at all). Now, don’t get me wrong—there are a hundred things that could be preventing a woman from being able to achieve an orgasm. From physical constraints (including but not limited to things like mobility and sensory issues, medication side-effects, and even blood-flow issues) to psychological hinderances (including but not limited to things like anxiety, depression, adhd, trauma, or even just some bitch having been mean to you that day in the line at starbucks).
I want to be clear as fuck when I say that there is no blame in not having had, in continuing to not have, or even to not wanting to have an orgasm. This advice is only for someone who wants orgasms, who wants to try, who wants to put in the work (and it still might not work, and it still won’t be your fault and there still won’t be any need to feel blame or shame).
Our society (by which I mostly mean movies and tv and those bitches who still lie to you even when men aren’t around to hear it) has taught us a lot of super fucked up and WRONG WRONG WRONG nonsense about women having orgasms. Every sex scene, whether it’s on tv or in movies, is roughly the same—purely penetrative sex (which makes almost no women cum) that lasts less than 3 minutes usually preceded by less than 3 minutes of boring foreplay ending in both parties cumming (as-fucking-if!). And while I could talk about how OBVIOUSLY erroneous this is, I actually want to focus on the less talked about issue of time.
The idea that a woman is getting turned on in less than 3 minutes is fucking bonkers. And let me tell you that men really don’t have much of a clue about this unless they’ve had a relationship with a woman who fucking told them. That’s how men learn to be good at sex—on the backs of the women who teach them. But I’m getting off track here, what I really want you to think about is how insidious this timeframe is because it absolutely gets into the mind of every woman who thinks she’s taking too long to cum (and every man who had the audacity to think it let alone those who actually say it out loud—they should be shot immediately but that’s an opinion for another post).
I’m here to tell you that you’re not taking too long. And if you’re ever with a partner who says this—dump them immediately. Seriously, do it right away. This is unforgivable I don’t care how you grew up or what misinformation you’ve been given. Dump him.
Getting turned on is exercise (yes, I am willing to write you a note about this for your personal trainer/gym buddy/etc.). Getting turned on takes effort and time and skill and practice. Sometimes it happens out of nowhere and that’s great. But just because something happens one time easily, doesn’t mean you quit putting in effort to the rest of your life. Sometimes a person will buy you a coffee but that doesn’t mean you quit your job because you received one free coffee. That’s just a nice thing that happened that day. Same with getting turned on. That shit takes effort.
I’ll also just mention that the level of effort needed is something that fluctuates. I may be more skilled and practiced than I was in my twenties, but I’ve also fucked everyone and seen and done all the things (and spent 3 years working in the production side of porn) so turning myself on takes more work and nuance than it once did. And even then it fluctuates—sometimes I can watch a quick porn clip (with good audio—mmm yes!) and I’m cumming in a couple of heartbeats. But there are still times when it just won’t happen because I can’t keep something that’s bothering me or someone who I don’t want to be thinking about in the moment out of my brain. Also, I’ve absolutely just fallen asleep while trying to masturbate before (with a vibrator buzzing on my clit no less!).
All of this is really just to highlight how much effort turning yourself on and keeping your sexual life fresh and fun can take. Now, don’t go out there and stress yourself out about cumming, but if you find yourself lacking in satisfaction in any part of your sexual life, look to masturbation for help. Connect with yourself. Turn inward not outward. Look to masturbation as a place to recharge. Look to masturbation to explore things you’re unsure about (I’ll be honest, most of the things I fantasize about are only fantasies and not things I actually want to try IRL). Look to masturbation to connect with your body and sexuality, judgement free. Look to masturbation for answers about what feels good and what doesn’t. And perhaps most importantly, look to masturbation to destress and feel satisfied. And, if you’re partnered, for the love of god please understand that they don’t own your body and your sexuality and that self-pleasure is an extremely important part of feeling empowered and independent.
And finally, if you’re finding that even with time and effort it’s either not working for you or you don’t know where to start, don’t be afraid to reach out and talk to others (especially professionals). Talk to your (trusted) doctor, discuss it in therapy, or reach out to your friends (I can guarantee someone is going through or has gone through the same thing as you).